Mean

When did I decide I was mean, when did I plant that seed, when did my sweet little body, mind and my precious precious heart….decide I am mean?

Is it because I get angry, is it because someone told me I was mean, is it because I was witness too and then decided that must be me too, was it a single word, a moment of weakness, surrender or a hiccup in my consciousness?

Did I agree or decide I am mean because I have a voice and was told I shouldn’t dare, is it because I was angry and was told, how do I dare….

If it is true that I am mean, then I have to be punished,,,,no healthy food for me, no healthy weight for me, success,,,,are you kidding….I am mean. Take these things, these people, this relationship, my children, hurt me of course,,,,,I am mean…..love me, certainly not!

I should be separate from you and you and you….like a caged animal, I am so mean….

Wealth, undeserving

Peace, undeserving

Serenity, taken away

Gentle Heart, not for a mean person

I remember finding my gentle heart in 2004, does it take till now to believe in it….

If this is real, at least if this is what I believe then I can not live in any other way than to prove that I am mean.

The proof is in the pudding, the proof is in the evidence of my day, of the actions in my life.

Do I believe today? Did I believe that yesterday and if I did and if I do,,,then what?

Is it enough to just see it, is it enough to claim something new, is it enough to affirm, deny, play a new tape, yell at the people who told me I was mean, is it enough to acknowledge what I found…..

Breathe, pray, move energy, breathe in gentleness that was always there, exhale with ease the idea of meanness, hold my heart, my gentle heart, believe again in my sweetness, cover me in nectar of the gods, nectar of higher truth, truth beyond us silly humans, see my glory, believe my grace, forgive myself for believing for a while….

I found it, I believe, I see, I choose, I understand, it is complete. 

 

 

Don’t They know?

Don’t they know I am the dork in the group, don’t they know I am stupid and awkward, I have old clothes, unkempt hair, an embarrassing family, I am the one to abuse, I am being touched in a dirty way. Don’t they know they are supposed to tisk at me, don’t they know I should be shunned from society….

Well they must not agree with my story because they are treating me like I belong here, they are acting like I am one of them, they are looking at me with calm eyes, are interested in conversation, they are treating me like I am a person,,,,,just,,,,,like,,,,,them.

Well I can’t have that! How dare they treat me decently, how dare they not look at me with  dissaproving looks, how dare they treat me with genuine care ….. wait on me, be gentle with me,,,,

Get me the hell out of here! Where can I go where people know my name, the rules,,,,reality?

The story,,,, the truth,,,,the truth in the story;;;;

“Don’t treat me like I’m dumb, less than, a whore, don’t treat me like I am….Who do you think you are?” ( Honestly,,,,who do I think I am ? )

There is no getting around the fact that the words I speak are mine, the words I throw at you are the truth of what I believe. No getting around this….although I have tried,,,,and tried again

The facts are that I make all of these decisions, I decide where to live, where to work, what I see, what I hear, who I spend time with, what I notice…and on and on and on and on. I create this truth, my truth, whether it is story truth or real truth in love. There is no getting around my responsibility for both story and truth.

Where ever I am I will gravitate to people who echo my story……

I will do whatever it takes to prove my story, I will do what ever it takes to make my story real. I will see, hear, believe again, repeat, recite, recall, argue, demand my story is real!

See! Look! I told you that the world is like….THIS!

Black or White, right or wrong it is all in what I see…..it is all here, all available, all real, all a possible story.

The truth is easy, is real,,,,for real.

The truth takes attending, takes diligence, takes courage, takes for thought, un purpose action, decisions, decisions, decisions that look like the truth and not the story.

Sounding like a wounded child, acting as if my value comes from the story, deciding to live, breathe, work and co exist in the story, choosing the story in action over and over and over again will prove the story is REAL!

Either way works……I can live in the story make decisions that prove the story, hear, see and echo the story or I can make choices that line up with, echo and prove the truth.

Why do I call the people who don’t relate to what I say, have nothing to offer in return? Because I believe that I am alone in my beliefs and I have nothing of importance to offer the world.

Why am I loyal to a man who doesn’t offer to help out during activities, does not have his own money energy, is afraid of the world and is careless with my space? Because I believe I don’t deserve to be helped, I am incapable of sustaining a real relationship and I am a shame filled child who is here to please you and be carelessly abused by you.

Why do I attend to “friendships” that are empty and I don’t feed the ones that are full of intelligence and insight? Because I believe I don’t deserve to have everything….I mean really…..who do I believe I am…

Why do I live in a city with limited activities, dominate religious beliefs and a monotone umbrella of energy? Because if I lived where I wanted, if I attended to the relationships with depth and nourishment, if I worked in the glory that I know, if I called up my truth to be active in my every moment, if I fed my mind, body and spirit with wholeness and love….well ….then……I would be living in the truth and that would be…….and I would have  everything.

Who do I believe I am?

Dad’s

Where are our dad’s showing the boys to walk around the back of the car when their mom drops them off for work, where are our dad’s showing our boys to take a quick glance behind to make sure there is no one there to hold the door open for. Where are our dad’s making sure their boys get mom something sweet for mothers day for all that she did and does and will always do……

We need our dad’s,,,,,we need our dad’s to teach our children who they are and who they are not. To example to our boys the courtesies of a date and immature expectations at the end of the night. To pick out a woman that matches their needs.

We need our dad’s to show our little girls who they are in relationship to men, who they should tolerate and who they need to dump on a dime.

We need our dad’s teaching dis mission, abuse, neglect, complacency, honor, respect, courtesy, indulgence, passion, adoring, kindness, fatherhood.

Show these little girls how they should be treated, like the princess they are,,,,not the spoiled princess, but royalty.

We need our dad’s to show our boys when to stay, when to pray and when to let go gracefully.

Our men are great power and need, deserve and should be treated with respect for their gifts.

Where are the dad’s teaching these skills.

As a single mom I can tell you that my boy was taught these things, that he is a good man today and I can also tell you that would he had a man telling him these things, he would be even more grand.

Boys will listen and respond to a father what they can only hear from their mother. Girls will hear their mothers and will follow the relationship of their father.

This is nature at its best.

We need our Dad’s.

Not Once

not ever…………………….

never

its not that i don’t remember, it’s that there never was one…..not ever.

hard to believe really, hard to imagine,,,,,,but it is true.

I’m not sure how that could be, nature not occurring, not sure how that is possible,,,,

where do i go from there, from never, from ever?

maybe there was one, maybe i was so little it didn’t stick,,,

what do I do now…to not be affected….for the never to not matter, to form a ball of love extended from me out to you with abandon and trust, to want so badly and yet to receive it now would feel in a head cocked way, unnatural.

I try really hard to not let it show, to be unaffected by the never…..is it possible to not be affected, to not choose under the same disconnect, the same needy partners, the same never.

an embrace, draw me near just because, hold me close, I am yours, breathe with me in holding,,,,,glad to have me against you….simple embrace

I imagine, I feel, I breathe in images, imaginings, essence of, smells of softness, warmth of the ever, real senses and feelings of that moment when, breathe of another, other than me, trusting touch from a human next to me, an embrace, a hug, a genuine reaching out……just because, real, no show, no agenda, all good real touch.

Its hard to believe the never was really never,,,,,I see an altered reality, I feeling of reality that i choose to feel now covering the never, erasing the never, smothering the never with love,,,,,love from a greater place that takes over the never, consumes the never, retracts the hollow, eradicates the filthy agenda, over shadows any human mistake or human withholding….gone gone gone,,,,,any residue of missing connection with another…..gone,,,,good buy.

…. erased erased forever gone the memory of never….replaced replaced inside my cells, every every every single cell, embraced in the mother embraced of the mother, embraced from the mother embraced embraced just embraced, forever forever more never unheld, never forgotten never an agenda, just embraced, never ever withheld, never ever accused, never ever shamed, never ever….

holding, held, embraced, hugged, loved, joyed, oozing joy, glad to be, held in ever flowing love, consumed by heart beating spilling love….faster, greater, moist, hot, good, juicy, everlasting, loved loved loved loved and more loved than ever, than never…..

the music stops, the music plays, repeat repeat repeat,,,gone now forever, any fraction of never held, never embraced,,,,,,gone now gone now,,,,,embraced forever of and from the mother,,,,,held, held well,,,,thank you great spirit, thank you mother universe, thank you holy universe, thank you for healing every space in me,,,,filling me with ever love, I know ever, I know never without,,,I know ….thank you blessed mother, thank you…..

As I write these final words and feel the space inside of me fill, fill forever, my own daughter writes to me in this very moment, “Good Night, I Love You Mom!”

It is done….good night….

Let me out!

of the closet…..

“”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”

I won’t hurt you, I won’t discipline you, I won’t yell, criticize, point my finger, and I won’t even tell you no.

But please let me out of the closet.

I feel trapped in here, stuck, helpless to direct you in a better way and its kind of dark on the inside of this little itty bitty room.

My hope for you is to feel stable, my goal for you is to feel safe, loved, well within yourself, confident and in relationships that feel good, feel of god and are best for your heart and soul.

I promise to hold your hand, walk next to you, hold you when you are sad, breathe with you when you are afraid, hit the pillow too when your really really mad.

I hear you when you say that has not happened in your past and some of your reasons for keeping me in here are in your resent life history. Some of your fears come from my behavior and some of your fears come from others that have been in my position. I understand your hesitation to let me out,,,,,

I can tell you that today I am patient, today I am kind, today I am here for you…..today I love you in my actions and my intentions. Today I act from gentle attending, from light moving through me and from my most open heart.

Please consider my request, I hope you let me out soon,,,,,,,I know that together we will conquer the world, together we make the best pair, together we know more, together we love more, together we can do anything, together we feel safe, breathe easier, know god deeper, live better in relationships and together we are one whole.

Sincerely,

Your Adult Self

Separation

we seek it, we listen for it, we look around every corner just waiting to catch it, to identify with it, to say “I told you so”and most of all we believe it…

how am I different than you, how is this situation mine or yours, agree with me, not agree with my thoughts, how does this activity go “against” my beliefs….

do I match this idea or not

how can I become a part of your group, how can I keep you out because I am uncomfortable with having to connect with one more person

is this going to disturb my orchestrated life, my well oiled machine

will I have emotion if we are connected

do you claim the same title as me, i dont want to have to claim your title and ill tell you why!

we are different there for we are separate

you are different than them therefore you are separate from them

the same clothes – different clothes, the same ideas – different ideas, the same house – different house, the same religion – different religion, the same school, the same skin color – different race, different sexual orientation, the same politics – different practice of life, ideas, ceremony, parenting, clarity, serenity, committee, coffee, tea, community,,,really?

whats the difference….is there one, are there two many

too many ways to separate you from me

too many ways out of being one

the same one, the same color, the same sex, the same ideas, the same religion, practice of life, parenting, diet, the same sexual acts, the same sight, hearing, breathe, the same heart, the same god, light, source energy, universe, planet, water, element, essence, body, the same

whats the difference really, what is the need for separation.

reality is,,,,,there is none….we made it up, made it all up for a self imposed ego idea of importance, the very smallest part of who we are is in charge of the concept of separation, the ego,,,the devil has been in charge of conceptualizing separation all of this time.

Try it, try to have a single thought, just one minute without agreeing with the limitted thought of separation,,,,just one thought.

Then, just one more, all at the same time now, now, now, now, now, now, now. All together one massive, collected thought that has no concept or imposed reality of separation.

would the world implode, would the heavens fall, would we have to love each other then, would we stand still in aw of peace, would the angels sing, would our hearts burst open, would our wings become visible, would god be heard in tones, would children run safe, would embracing feel like melting chocolate, would sex be free, would breathe be clean, would grace lather in our touch….

Go ahead, I dare ya!.

Pure Form

The purest form of Love….is no form at all.

We spend so much exhausted time and energy attempting to create form where it is impossible.

Why not just love….is it too simple for our appointed self important ego to handle? Do we really have nothing better to do with our time? Would we melt into oblivion if we loved rather than trying to control it?

All good questions that I have asked a thousand times and am absolutely sure I will be asking myself again and again….all I have to do is look back on previous blogs to see where I have asked, answered and asked again.

Loves purest form holds no form at all. I have heard that true love never says no. I will not tell you what to do and I will not see what I want different in you if I am in my purest form of love.

The most simple matter of our time here is to love and yet we escape ourselves with ego attending and child wounded acting out, ideas of relationship that confine and attempt to form an immeasurable piece of the universe.

Breathing into love means I am of service to you in a way that is not at my expense, I am taking a drink of what I need and then passing it to you, I listen….really listen to your hearts longing, I speak through my fears of being me, I am available with source energy flowing. Awareness of choice power is the only answer – I use this freely and without punishment as I witness your choice power in all possibility for you. Sorry means a change in my behavior. Right and wrong….are just words.

Love means my breathe, my heart, mind and body are open to give and….to receive.

Without the receiving part I am not and cannot be in love, move love through me or give to you. I must be open to receiving.

Perhaps this is the missing piece….receiving.

Much more difficult than giving.

Anyone can give, do, be for others, sacrifice, offer, care for….but can we,,,, can you, receive? I mean really receive…. breathe love in, say thank you at every compliment, be compassionate to yourself for all of your experiences….all experience. Do you allow life flowing through you rather than against you. Do you see beauty in your face, your belly, your heart. Do we press ourselves against all that is real through the eyes of god and know that is our own reflection….that we are the same perfection…..do we? Do You allow help to come, to do, to care for without perceptions of obligation, payback or devalue….

Is this love in its purest form? Receiving?

Good questions, good answers, good pondering….again and again.

Share your thoughts here, share your hearts longing and knowing here. Let’s dialogue these questions and watch the answers flow, watch the love flow through and to….

Too Fast

I did all those things with them….

We went to the park, we went to the parade, we had fabulous parties, , , new years, Halloween, Easter so much to find….

We went to Grandpas, Friends, The neighbors, Soccer, Baseball, Football too…

Girl scouts, Boy scouts, High Cliff for a trail…..

Bikes, Big Wheels, Picnics outside and on the floor…..

Special treats on Friday nights when mama was at home…..close the curtains, take the phone off the hook, cook our favorite fried foods and a Walt Disney movie or two or three…now my girl, she creates her own, in her own style….

Birthdays all the deal, treating them like royalty,,,,and they are…. now my boy does his best for his team…..what a hoot!

Christmas wasn’t always fun…..where to go, who to visit, but we always had our own sweet traditions….finding a tree, decorating together, a few presents on the eve and all the rest on Christmas day. Don’t forget the coal in the shoe…..oh and stockings for sure.

New Years Eve all the best! Grilling out no matter what the weather, friends galore and confetti at midnight!

My babies are much bigger, I will always see them through my eyes as their mom,,,,they still call when they need something even though their questions have changed,,,,,even though, even though,,,,,they will always be my little ones….

We did all those things and tons tons more that I will live with and remember for all of my life and far into forever…..far into forever…

We did all of those things and I would like to say that no matter how much time passes,,,,it ….went……way too fast.

Volume Control

What I learned from my Dad….

I learned to be ….Passive Aggressive ~ I learned to be Diplomatic
I learned to run when things get tuff ~ I learned when to pick my battles
I learned to Gossip about Others ~ I learned to talk about what bothers me
I learned to Project my idea of weakness onto others ~ I learned to notice when things around me are not in balance
I learned to ignore really bad things happening around and to me ~ I learned to be in myself so I don’t become harmed by really bad things happening around and to me

I learned to play with people that I am not living with ~ I learned to take care of myself when I need time away from people I live with.
I learned to be in denial of my reality ~ I learned to choose my reality
I learned to be a hypocrite ~ I learned to think for myself
I learned to blame other people for my problems ~ I learned that it is not all my fault

I learned that I can’t ~ I learned that I am creative
I learned to abandon people that I Love ~ I learned to walk away when I can’t be present anymore

I learned to be a coward ~ I learned to compromise
I learned to not help people around me ~ I learned that I don’t always know what to do

By example, I learned all of these things and more from my Dad.
…… learned, who I am….

Oh and one more thing!! I learned that the volume control needs to be turned up to function more actively ~ I learned the volume control needs to be turned down to function more lovingly….

My Job

It is Not My Job to Judge You
It is My job to Love You

It is not My Job to Correct You
It is My Job to Support You

It is Not My Job to Rescue You
It is My Job to Encourage You

It is Not My Job to Shame You
It is My Job to Hold You in Compassion

It is Not My Job to Complain about You
It is My Job to Respect You